Art of Loving (Part B) The-我的时光穿梭机
论述爱的能力伴随人的成长而发展健全的过程。
Ittakes many years from this first beginning to the maturing of love. Eventuallythe child, who may now be an adolescent, has overcome his egocentricity; theother person is not any more primarily a means to the satisfaction of his ownneeds. The needs of the other person are as important as his own—in fact, theyhave become more important. To give has become more satisfactory, more joyous流鬼国 ,than to receive; to love, more important even than being loved. By loving, he hasleft the prison cell of aloneness and isolation which was constituted by thestate of narcissism and self-centeredness. He feels a sense of new union, ofsharing, of oneness. More than that, he feels the potency of producing love byloving—rather than the dependence of receiving by being loved—and for thatreason having to be small, helpless王晗旭 , sick—or "good." In- fantile lovefollows the principle: "I love because I am loved " Mature lovefollows the principle: "I am loved be-cause I love " Immature love says:"1love you because I need you" Mature love says: "I need you because Ilove you"
父爱与母爱的差别：母爱代表自然，父爱代表人造物（法律、规则、思想）。
Motheris the home we come from红色王座 , she is nature, soil, the ocean; father does notrepresent any such natural home. He has little connection with the child in thefirst years of its life, and his importance for the child in this early periodcannot be compared with that of mother. But while father does not represent thenatural world, he represents the other pole of human existence; the world ofthought, of man-made things, of law and order, of discipline, of travel andadventure. Father is the one who teaches the child, who shows him the road intothe world.
融合了母亲爱的能力和父亲的推理判断能力，方才造就一个成熟的人。
Eventually,the mature person has come to the point where he is his own mother and his ownfather. He has, as it were春水碧于天 , a motherly and a fatherly conscience. Motherly consciencesays: "There is no misdeed, no crime which could deprive you of my love,of my wish for your life and happiness." Fatherly conscience says:"You did wrong, you cannot avoid accepting certain consequences of yourwrongdoing, and most of all you must change your ways if I am to likeyou." The mature person has become free from the outside mother and fatherfigures, and has built them up inside. In contrast to Freud's concept of thesuper-ego, however, he has built them inside not by incorporating mother andfather, but by building a motherly conscience on his own capacity for love, anda fatherly conscience on his reason and judgment.
Furthermore,the mature person loves with both the motherly and the fatherly conscience, inspite of the fact that they seem to contradict each other. If he would onlyretain his fatherly conscience, he would become harsh and inhuman. If he wouldonly retain his motherly conscience, he would be apt to lose judgment and tohinder himself and others in their development.
Inthis development from mother-centered to father- centered attachment, and theireventual synthesis, lies the basis for mental health and the achievement ofmaturity. In the failure of this development lies the basic cause for neurosis.While it is beyond the scope of this book to develop this trend of thought morefully, some brief remarks may serve to clarify this statement.
爱的对象：就本质而言，爱不是与特定人的关系，而是决定一个人与整个世界的关联【relatedness】的一种态度或性格倾向。
Loveis not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, anorientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to theworld as a whole, not toward one "object" of love.
Becauseone does not see that love is an activity, a power of the soul, one believesthat all that is necessary to find is the right object—and that everything goesby itself afterward. This attitude can be compared to that of a man who wantsto paint but who, instead of learning the art, claims that he has just to waitfor the right object, and that he will paint beautifully when he finds it. If Itruly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. If Ican say to somebody else, "I love you," I must be able to say,"I love in you everybody, I love through you the world, I love in you alsomyself."
下面讲了爱的几种形式：
兄弟之爱【brotherlylove】：无排他性，是各种爱的基础，爱弱小、无助者、陌生人，是此种爱的开端。
Themost fundamental kind of love, which underlies all types of love, is brotherlylove. By this I mean the sense of responsibility, care, respect, knowledge ofany other human being, the wish to further his life. This is the kind of lovethe Bible speaks of when it says: love thy neighbor as thyself. Brotherly loveis love for all human beings; it is characterized by its very lack ofexclusiveness. If I have developed the capacity for love, then I cannot helploving my brothers. In brotherly love there is the experience of union with allmen, of human solidarity, of human at-onement.
Yet,love of the helpless one, love of the poor and the stranger, are the beginningof brotherly love.
母爱对孩子影响之大远超出人的想象，但大部分母亲只能给孩子奶喝，不能给他们蜂蜜原力掌控者 。即，在衣食上喂养孩子，却不能在心灵上滋养孩子。
Affirmationof the child's life has two aspects; one is the care and responsibilityabsolutely necessary for the preservation of the child's life and his growth.The other aspect goes further than mere preservation. It is the attitude whichinstills in the child a love for living, which gives him the feeling: it isgood to be alive, it is good to be a little boy or girl, it is good to be onthis earth!
一针见血的指出失败的母爱是如何形成的：母亲该放手时不放手，无法忍受孩子长大后脱离自己的怀抱。
Butthe child must grow. It must emerge from mother's womb, from mother's breast;it must eventually become a completely separate human being. The very essenceof motherly love is to care for the child's growth, and that means to want thechild's separation from herself. Here lies the basic difference to erotic love.In erotic love, two people who were separate become one. In motherly love, twopeople who were one become separate. The mother must not only tolerate, shemust wish and support the child's separation. It is only at this stage thatmotherly love becomes such a diffficult
task,that it requires unselfishness, the ability to give everything and to wantnothing but the happiness of the loved one. It is also at this stage that manymothers fail in their task of motherly love. The narcissistic, the domineering,
thepossessive woman can succeed in being a "loving" mother as long asthe child is small. Only the really loving woman, the woman who is happier ingiving than in taking, who is firmly rooted in her own existence, can be aloving mother when the child is in the process of separation.
情爱【eroticlove】具有很强的形式上的欺骗性，因为性和爱交合难分，让人误把性欲视为爱。情爱可以消除普通人之间的距离感，让两个人亲密无间。但是这样做的结果是，迟早二人会彼此厌倦，彼此不再有新鲜感，不再有秘密，也不再有惊喜，于是转而投向他人的怀抱，继续寻找所谓的真爱。凡循此途径寻爱，注定结果是失败的。借由性达成的联合是一种幻觉，当这种幻觉消散，二人会更加深刻地体验个体孤立感，因此无法达成爱的终极目的。
Itis by its very nature exclusive and not universal; it is also perhaps the mostdeceptive form of love there is.
Ifthere were more depth in the experience of the other person, if one couldexperience the infiniteness of his personality, the other person would never beso familiar—and the miracle of overcoming the barriers might occur every dayanew. But for most people their own person, as well as others, is soon exploredand soon exhausted. For them intimacy is established primarily through sexualcontact. Since they experience the separateness of the other person primarilyas physical separateness, physical union means overcoming separateness. Beyondthat, there are other factors which to many people denote the overcoming ofseparateness.
Sexualattraction creates, for the moment, the illusion of union, yet without lovethis "union" leaves strangers as far apart as they werebefore—sometimes it makes them ashamed of each other, or even makes them hateeach other, because when the illusion has gone they feel their estrangementeven more markedly than before.
爱不是一种势不可挡的感觉，而是一个决定，一个判断，一种诺言。
Tolove somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment,it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for thepromise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go.
Butinasmuch as we are all also different, erotic love requires certain specific,highly individual elements which exist between some people but not between all.
自爱【self-love】与自私【selfishness】的区别：前者是将自己当作与他人无异的对象来实践爱，并以追求个体成长、快乐和对生命的美好体验为目标；后者只是通过各种手段改变或对自己施加影响。
Theidea expressed in the Biblical "Love thy neighbor as thyself!"implies that respect for one's own integrity and uniqueness, love for andunderstanding of one's own self, cannot be separated from respect and love andunderstanding for another individual. The love for my own self is inseparablyconnected with the love for any other being.
Withregard to the problem under discussion this means: love of others and love ofourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towardthemselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others. Love,in principle, is indivisible as jar as the connection between"objects" and one's own self is concerned. Genuine love is anexpression of productiveness and implies care, respect, responsibility andknowledge. It is not an "affect" in the sense of being affected bysome- body, but an active striving for the growth and happiness of the lovedperson, rooted in one's own capacity to love.
透彻阐释了何为“自私”：
Theselfish person is interested only in himself, wants everything for himself,feels no pleasure in giving, but only in taking. The world outside is looked atonly from the standpoint of what he can get out of it; he lacks interest in theneeds of others, and respect for their dignity and integrity. He can see nothingbut himself; he judges everyone and everything from its usefulness to him; heis basically unable to love.
神爱【Loveof God】
ItSprings from the need to overcome separateness and to achieve union. In fact,the love of God has as many different qualities and aspects as the love of manhas—and to a large extent we find the same differences.
Quiteevidently this evolution from the anthropomorphic to the pure monotheisticprinciple makes all the difference to the nature of the love of God. The God ofAbraham can be loved, or feared, as a father, sometimes his forgiveness, some-times his anger being the dominant aspect. Inasmuch as God is the father, I amthe child. I have not emerged fully from the autistic wish for omniscience andomnipotence. I have not yet acquired the objectivity to realize my limitationsas a human being, my ignorance, my helplessness. I still claim, like a child那海兰珠 ,that there must be a father who rescues me, who watches me, who punishes me, afather who likes me when I am obedient兄弟同体 , who is flattered by my praise and angrybecause of my disobedience. Quite obviously, the majority of people have, intheir personal development, not overcome this infantile stage, and hence thebelief in God to most people is the belief in a helping father—a childishillusion.
一个真正信仰者理解的隐藏在神里面的终极奥义。
Thetruly religious person, if he follows the essence of the monotheistic idea,does not pray for anything, does not expect anything from God; he does not loveGod as a child loves his father or his mother; he has acquired the humility ofsensing his limitations, to the degree of knowing that he knows nothing aboutGod. God becomes to him a symbol in which man, at an earlier stage of hisevolution, has expressed the totality of that which man is striving for, the realmof the spiritual world, of love, truth and justice. He has faith in theprinciples which "God" represents; he thinks truth, lives love andjustice, and considers all of his life only valuable inasmuch as it gives himthe chance to arrive at an ever fuller unfolding of his human powers—as theonly reality that matters, as the only object of "ultimate concern";and, eventually, he does not speak about God—nor even mention his name, To loveGod, if he were going to use this word, would mean, then, to long for theattainment of the full capacity to love, for the realization of that which"God" stands for in oneself.
对于深谙一神论精髓的真正信仰者而言骗中传奇 ，不向神祈一事、求一物。他爱神，不同于子之爱父母。他知人之局限，以至于不了解神之一毫。与其而言，神是人启智之初不懈寻求的全然合一的完全性象征，精神世界之边界，爱、真理与公义的化身。他相信神所代表的原则；他以真理指导自己思想，活出爱和公义的样式，并且坚信，只有神赐予其机会变为更完全的样式，从而散发出人性光芒时，他的生命才有价值，这一切也是唯一有意义，唯一值得关心的问题。最终，人不再谈论神，甚或不提神之名，爱神（如果可以这样说），意味着渴求全然施爱的能力，渴求实现神本身所代表的一切良质。
Thoughtcan only lead us to the knowledge that it cannot give us the ultimate answer.The world of thought remains caught in the paradox. The only way in which theworld can be grasped ultimately lies, not in thought, but in the act, in theexperience of oneness. Thus paradoxical logic leads to the conclusion that thelove of God is neither the knowledge of God in thought, nor the thought ofone's love of God, but the act of experiencing the oneness with God.
东西方宗教差异在于重思想还是或重行为，这一差异直接导致了信仰中人们不同的行事方法。
Ifthe right thought is not the ultimate truth, and not the way to salvation,there is no reason to fight others, whose thinking has arrived at differentformulations.
Inshort, paradoxical thought led to tolerance and an effort towardself-transformation. The Aristotelian stand- point led to dogma and science, tothe Catholic Church, and to the discovery of atomic energy.
Inthe dominant Western religious system, the love of God is essentially the sameas the belief in God, in God's existence, God's justice, God's love. The loveof God is essentially a thought experience. In the Eastern religions and inmysticism, the love of God is an intense feeling experience of oneness,inseparably linked with the expression of this love in every act of living.
神这一概念的进化
Inthe history of the human race we see—and can anticipate—the same development:from the beginning of the love for God as the helpless attachment to a motherGoddess, through the obedient attachment to a fatherly God, to a mature stagewhere God ceases to be an outside power, where man has incorporated theprinciples of love and justice
intohimself人齿鱼 , where he has become one with God, and eventually, to a point where hespeaks of God only in a poetic,韩惠淑 symbolic sense.
Fromthese considerations it follows that the love for God cannot be separated fromthe love for one's parents. If a person does not emerge from incestuousattachment to mother, clan, nation, if he retains the childish dependence on apunishing and rewarding father, or any other authority, he cannot develop amore mature love for God; then his religion is that of the earlier phase ofreligion, in which God was experienced as an all-protective mother or apunishing-rewarding father.
关于人爱和神爱的精彩论述
Incontemporary religion we find all the phases, from the earliest and mostprimitive development to the highest杨晓青儿 , still present. The word "God"denotes the tribal chief as well as the "absolute Nothing." In thesame way, each individual retains in himself, in his unconscious, as Freud hasshown, all the stages from the helpless infant on. The question is to whatpoint he has grown. One thing is certain: the nature of his love for Godcorresponds to the nature of his love for man, and furthermore, the realquality of his love for God and man often is unconscious—covered up andrationalized by a more mature thought of what his love is. Love for man,furthermore, while directly embedded in his relations to his family, is in thelast analysis determined by the structure
of the society in which he lives. If the socialstructure is one of submission to authority—overt authority or the anonymousauthority of the market and public opinion, his concept of God must beinfantile and far from the mature concept, the seeds of which are to be foundin the history of monotheistic religion